HUMOR - part 1

“If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?”

~1997 e-mail forward~

“Can I get a loan application for a water?”

~Craig Francisco, pharmacy tech~

in Starbucks, New York City, 2004

“Is that your Sidekick or are you just happy to see me?”

~Katherine Dudina, sign language interpreter~

2006

“I felt like going home from when I got up.”

~Maryanne, group home director~

2000

“The crowd goes CRAZY! Women weep, strong men faint, small children look for change in the sofa cushions.”

~Janice, volunteer~

re: the DSL line back up and running, 2003

Dad in his 60’s: “If you’re forgetful now, what are you gonna be like if you add 50 years?”

Lisa: “Don’t worry– I’ll forget I’m old, so I’ll be fine.”

2005

“I love opera! I do! I listen to it when I vacuum.”

~The Love Letter, movie~

1999. Ellen DeGeneres as Janet; written by Maria Maggenti, based on the novel by Cathleen Schine

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

~Erma Bombeck, humorist~

“I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.”

~Roseanne Barr, actress~

“I’m not an organized person. I don’t call myself a neat person. But I like the concept of all of those things.”

~Harry Connick, Jr., singer~

about watching the show, Mission Organization, for the first time. Interviewed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, 2005

“Who cares? Friends just keep you away from TV anyway.”

(Doug to Carrie, about their friends going out without them)

~King of Queens, TV~

2006, starring Kevin James and Leah Remini. 1998-2007 series created by David Litt and Michael J. Weithorn

Doug: “How about [watching] Bloodsport?”

Carrie: “I read the book.”

~King of Queens, TV~

“There are two classes of people in the world: those who divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.”

~Robert Benchley, humorist~

2004 e-mail signature of Bruce Nelson, co-founder of http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

~Robert Benchley, humorist~

New York Public Library calendar book, 2006

“If I didn’t wait ‘til the last minute, I wouldn’t know who I am.”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

“I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”

~country song~

in the game “Country Song or Not?” (it is), on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, TV

“Sit on a cactus and spin.”

~Aunt Heidi~

Arizona, 1999

“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

~Tequiza beer ad~

“Who wouldn’t even Lassie save?”

~Ann, game show host~

The Weakest Link, TV, 2001

“He’s acting like a doorknob.”

about Rob acting like an immature a--; Survivor, TV, 2002

“You take six months to mind your own business, and six months to leave mine alone.”

~90-year old Helen~

to her worrying relatives, on The Rosie O’Donnell Show, 2000

“Here you go Cinderella, have a ball.”

~Touched by an Angel, TV~

Sharon Gless guest-starring, gives Monica bowling shoes

“I got into an accident and they sent over a lizard to handle my claim. Not even an American lizard. I had to get another lizard to translate. The world's gone nuts.”

~Larry The Cable Guy~

Newsweek magazine

“I have a gift for enraging people, but if I ever bore you, it will be with a knife.”

~Louise Brooks, actor~

e-mail signature of Bruce Nelson, co-founder of http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“I think honesty is very important. It must be avoided.”

~Rita Rudner, comedienne~

“Woman buying Lotto ticket: It’s my birthday today. I’ll take a million.”

~deli in Queens, New York City, 2000~

[re: Michael Jackson]

“How f--ked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go ‘I’m outta here, man’?”

~Robin Williams, comedian~

Robin Williams, Live on Broadway, 2002

“I was so in the moment, but it was the wrong moment.”

~Cyndi Lauper, singer~

stopping during a rehearsal, New York City, 1998

“I grew up in Kentucky. Trailer is not a status thing to me.”

~George Clooney, actor~

saying he doesn’t fight over movie set trailers, 2000

“Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time!”

~mug in a catalogue~

Josh, trying to pry information from Donna: “I'm just trying to see around the corner so I don't get bit in the a--.”

Donna: “Are you going around the corner a-- first?”

~The West Wing, TV~

starring Bradley Whitford and Jenna Maloney. 1999-2006 series created by Aaron Sorkin

HUMOR - part 2

“I don’t have anyone to tell. The 3-year-olds don’t really care.”

~Mary-Louise Parker, actress~

who was handing out snacks at her son’s preschool when she learned she was nominated for a Golden Globe for WEEDS. Jan. 2007. http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“The questions we ask ourselves now… When we were radicals in the 60's, it was ‘War, war, what is it good for?’ and ‘What’s up pussycat, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa?’ Even in the 80's, it was ‘What you talkin’ about, Willis?’ Now, it’s ‘Who wants to be a millionaire?’ or ‘Who wants to marry a millionaire?’”

~Jon Stewart, comedian~

2000

“Do you think the Enron CEOs cheat when they play Monopoly?”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

2006

[Chicago on Broadway] It’s a balls-out musical.

~Neil Meron, producer~

“If you think your kids are ever

gonna stop asking for money...

YOU ARE GETTING OLD.”

~credit card commercial~

2005

“Sleep can be induced, even an orgasm can be faked – but not a good laugh.”

~Gloria Steinem, feminist~

Revolution From Within, 1993 book, p. 174

Q: “What about American manners?”

Szymborska: “Rude. Generally sort of curt and rude. But it’s a paradox because, at the same time, Americans make such an effort to strike up a conversation. Within seconds of sitting down next to an American on an airplane, three times out of five, to my intense stress, I know everything about his wife, his girlfriend, where he’s going.”

1996

“See this? My hair is upset [curls]. The moisture seeps in every orifice. Even Paul doesn’t work here. Paul Mitchell, he’s my boyfriend.”

~Irene~

of The Real World: Seattle, TV

“I just thought she was the bee's knees.”

~Mary Kay Adams, actress~

about her Klingon character on Star Trek

“I’m not really a camera guy. I can’t get the flash cube to stay on.”

~Sean Hayes, actor~

on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, TV

“Weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.”

~t-shirt~

“Got shrimp?”

~t-shirt~

at Bubba Gump restaurant (Forrest Gump); Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

“My baby’s all grown up and saving China.”

~Mulan, movie~

1998, written by Robert D. San Souci and Rita Hsiao; Mushu voice by Eddie Murphy

“Moving Tip #6: Resist the urge to pop bubble paper before packing.”

~moving van~

“The friendly ticket agent explained that... the fare would be $1,898. I, in turn, explained that I wanted to buy a seat, NOT THE ENTIRE PLANE.”