HUMOR - part 1

“If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?”

~1997 e-mail forward~

“Can I get a loan application for a water?”

~Craig Francisco, pharmacy tech~

in Starbucks, New York City, 2004

“Is that your Sidekick or are you just happy to see me?”

~Katherine Dudina, sign language interpreter~

2006

“I felt like going home from when I got up.”

~Maryanne, group home director~

2000

“The crowd goes CRAZY! Women weep, strong men faint, small children look for change in the sofa cushions.”

~Janice, volunteer~

re: the DSL line back up and running, 2003

Dad in his 60’s: “If you’re forgetful now, what are you gonna be like if you add 50 years?”

Lisa: “Don’t worry– I’ll forget I’m old, so I’ll be fine.”

2005

“I love opera! I do! I listen to it when I vacuum.”

~The Love Letter, movie~

1999. Ellen DeGeneres as Janet; written by Maria Maggenti, based on the novel by Cathleen Schine

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

~Erma Bombeck, humorist~

“I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.”

~Roseanne Barr, actress~

“I’m not an organized person. I don’t call myself a neat person. But I like the concept of all of those things.”

~Harry Connick, Jr., singer~

about watching the show, Mission Organization, for the first time. Interviewed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, 2005

“Who cares? Friends just keep you away from TV anyway.”

(Doug to Carrie, about their friends going out without them)

~King of Queens, TV~

2006, starring Kevin James and Leah Remini. 1998-2007 series created by David Litt and Michael J. Weithorn

Doug: “How about [watching] Bloodsport?”

Carrie: “I read the book.”

~King of Queens, TV~

“There are two classes of people in the world: those who divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.”

~Robert Benchley, humorist~

2004 e-mail signature of Bruce Nelson, co-founder of http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

~Robert Benchley, humorist~

New York Public Library calendar book, 2006

“If I didn’t wait ‘til the last minute, I wouldn’t know who I am.”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

“I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”

~country song~

in the game “Country Song or Not?” (it is), on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, TV

“Sit on a cactus and spin.”

~Aunt Heidi~

Arizona, 1999

“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

~Tequiza beer ad~

“Who wouldn’t even Lassie save?”

~Ann, game show host~

The Weakest Link, TV, 2001

“He’s acting like a doorknob.”

about Rob acting like an immature a--; Survivor, TV, 2002

“You take six months to mind your own business, and six months to leave mine alone.”

~90-year old Helen~

to her worrying relatives, on The Rosie O’Donnell Show, 2000

“Here you go Cinderella, have a ball.”

~Touched by an Angel, TV~

Sharon Gless guest-starring, gives Monica bowling shoes

“I got into an accident and they sent over a lizard to handle my claim. Not even an American lizard. I had to get another lizard to translate. The world's gone nuts.”

~Larry The Cable Guy~

Newsweek magazine

“I have a gift for enraging people, but if I ever bore you, it will be with a knife.”

~Louise Brooks, actor~

e-mail signature of Bruce Nelson, co-founder of http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“I think honesty is very important. It must be avoided.”

~Rita Rudner, comedienne~

“Woman buying Lotto ticket: It’s my birthday today. I’ll take a million.”

~deli in Queens, New York City, 2000~

[re: Michael Jackson]

“How f--ked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go ‘I’m outta here, man’?”

~Robin Williams, comedian~

Robin Williams, Live on Broadway, 2002

“I was so in the moment, but it was the wrong moment.”

~Cyndi Lauper, singer~

stopping during a rehearsal, New York City, 1998

“I grew up in Kentucky. Trailer is not a status thing to me.”

~George Clooney, actor~

saying he doesn’t fight over movie set trailers, 2000

“Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time!”

~mug in a catalogue~

Josh, trying to pry information from Donna: “I'm just trying to see around the corner so I don't get bit in the a--.”

Donna: “Are you going around the corner a-- first?”

~The West Wing, TV~

starring Bradley Whitford and Jenna Maloney. 1999-2006 series created by Aaron Sorkin

HUMOR - part 2

“I don’t have anyone to tell. The 3-year-olds don’t really care.”

~Mary-Louise Parker, actress~

who was handing out snacks at her son’s preschool when she learned she was nominated for a Golden Globe for WEEDS. Jan. 2007. http://groups.msn.com/Mary-LouiseParkerFanPage/

“The questions we ask ourselves now… When we were radicals in the 60's, it was ‘War, war, what is it good for?’ and ‘What’s up pussycat, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa?’ Even in the 80's, it was ‘What you talkin’ about, Willis?’ Now, it’s ‘Who wants to be a millionaire?’ or ‘Who wants to marry a millionaire?’”

~Jon Stewart, comedian~

2000

“Do you think the Enron CEOs cheat when they play Monopoly?”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

2006

[Chicago on Broadway] It’s a balls-out musical.

~Neil Meron, producer~

“If you think your kids are ever

gonna stop asking for money...

YOU ARE GETTING OLD.”

~credit card commercial~

2005

“Sleep can be induced, even an orgasm can be faked – but not a good laugh.”

~Gloria Steinem, feminist~

Revolution From Within, 1993 book, p. 174

Q: “What about American manners?”

Szymborska: “Rude. Generally sort of curt and rude. But it’s a paradox because, at the same time, Americans make such an effort to strike up a conversation. Within seconds of sitting down next to an American on an airplane, three times out of five, to my intense stress, I know everything about his wife, his girlfriend, where he’s going.”

1996

“See this? My hair is upset [curls]. The moisture seeps in every orifice. Even Paul doesn’t work here. Paul Mitchell, he’s my boyfriend.”

~Irene~

of The Real World: Seattle, TV

“I just thought she was the bee's knees.”

~Mary Kay Adams, actress~

about her Klingon character on Star Trek

“I’m not really a camera guy. I can’t get the flash cube to stay on.”

~Sean Hayes, actor~

on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, TV

“Weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.”

~t-shirt~

“Got shrimp?”

~t-shirt~

at Bubba Gump restaurant (Forrest Gump); Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

“My baby’s all grown up and saving China.”

~Mulan, movie~

1998, written by Robert D. San Souci and Rita Hsiao; Mushu voice by Eddie Murphy

“Moving Tip #6: Resist the urge to pop bubble paper before packing.”

~moving van~

“The friendly ticket agent explained that... the fare would be $1,898. I, in turn, explained that I wanted to buy a seat, NOT THE ENTIRE PLANE.”

INSPIRATION.

letter from Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive.

[thank you MC, AR, MLP, & MG]

“Type out your five favorite quotations and place them where you can see them every day.”

~Life’s Little Instruction Calendar Vol. III~



“When I wake up in the morning, I want the day to begin already. There’s no dread. And if there is, that’s just part of the day- you deal with it. Nothing’s going to stop me. Nothing.”

~Linda Hamilton, actress~

1991



“Climb every mountain, ford every stream,
follow every rainbow, ‘til you find your dream.”

~The Sound of Music~

1959 Broadway musical, 1965 movie, and my mom’s high school class song



“Rainbows are people whose lives are bright, shining examples for others.”

~Maya Angelou, poet~

from Hallmark’s Life Mosaic cards, 2001



“The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.”

~Oswald Chambers, minister ~

“My Utmost for His Highest,” quoted by Heather Whitestone, the first deaf Miss America, in her memoir Listening With the Heart



“He was a man who was comfortable in his own skin, and I think the more people we see who conduct creative, fruitful lives with little or no drama or fanfare, the more people will say, ‘I can be that way. I can be happy.’”

~Stephen Huvane, writer~

about photographer Herb Ritts (1952-2002), The Advocate magazine, 2-4-03



“Dip your brush in sunshine and keep painting away.”

~Fannie Flagg, writer~

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe, 1987 book, p. 234



“I keep my ideals because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

~Anne Frank, diarist~

quoted in Wisdom of Women book



Don Quixote: “It’s true – I am guilty of being an idealist. I’ve never had the courage to believe in nothing.”

~Man of La Mancha, movie~

1972 musical starring Peter O’Toole, written by Dale Wasserman; 1605 book by Miguel de Cervantes



“Listen to the musn’ts child, listen to the don’ts, listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts, listen to the never haves, then listen close to me, anything can happen child, anything can be.”

~Shel Silverstein, writer~

Where the Sidewalk Ends, 1974 book



“Never forget who you are, Little star.
Never forget how to dream, Butterfly.
May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you, Little star.”

~Madonna, singer~



“When you talk about inspiration, it’s about the struggle, not the victory. It’s all about the fight, not the win. That’s just the nature of living.”

~Gary Ross, director~

of Seabiscuit, 2003 movie



“Do not resist chances. Take them like vitamins. Let go of the brakes. See what happens if you go five more miles. Footbridges be damned, find your own way across. Don’t worry about the bumps and bruises. Your body can take them. Don’t steer around the bits that scare you. Go over them. Go through them. Do something the guys in the bowling league will be terrified of. You will feel your chin rise from your chest. And you’ll be able to see what’s around you. What’s ahead of you. And there will be one less thing you cannot do.”

~Nike advertisement~

1995; from the quote collection of Lg. From Josh’s website: http://www.trizera.com/jsp/greatlines/nikewgl.html



“There is no finish line.”



“The most absurd and reckless aspirations have sometimes led to extraordinary success.”

~M. de Vauvenargues, moralist~

New Beginnings quote book, 1993 by Running Press



“Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you can choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.”

~Carl Schurz, statesman~

1859. German revolutionist and American statesman. Quoted by Heather Whitestone, the first deaf Miss America, in her memoir Listening With the Heart



“Remember: A ‘D’ is only the end of the world in the dictionary.”

~YM magazine~

1998



Pledge allegiance to yourself.



“Maybe it will take someone giving me a swift kick, but keep in mind, I need that swift kick to be followed by a smile and a handful of Smarties.”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

2006



CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS #39

“Inspiration. Noun. 1. Stimulation of the faculties to a high level of feeling or activity. 2. The condition of being so stimulated. 3. An agency, such as a person of a work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions. 4. Something that is inspired, as an idea or action. 5. Theology: Divine guidance or influence exerted directly upon the mind and soul of man. 6. The act of breathing in; inhalation (From the Latin inspirare, to breathe into.) I’m under a lot of pressure to get one of these vanity cards written every week and to be perfectly honest, some weeks I’ve got squat. Like this week. Nothing of substance to say. Nothing even marginally amusing. Which is why I’m hoping for a little of #1 or perhaps even #5. I’m sitting here waiting… just sitting here. Oh, well, at least I’m doing well with #6. Which, if you read the definition again, still counts as inspiration. How about that, I’m inspired… and expired… and inspired… and expired… inspired.”

~Chuck Lorre, TV show co-creator~

Dharma and Greg, TV, 1997-2002

Each week, a “vanity card” is flashed for a second at the end of the credits. You have to record the episode, then pause the page in order to read or transcribe it. [Years later, magic of the internet: http://www.chucklorre.com/ for all the "cards".]



"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, writer~

[contributed by Stephan Aichinger]

INTERSEX (GLBTI)

(tba)

as a featured category

ANGELINA JOLIE.

“We can’t forget our founding fathers were refugees.”

~Angelina Jolie, Goodwill Ambassador for UNHCR~

in her 2003 book, Notes from My Travels: Visits with Refugees in Africa, Cambodia, Pakistan, and Ecuador, p. 6



“I love uniqueness and people who own their uniqueness.”

~Angelina Jolie, actress~

Allure magazine, Nov. 2004



“I'd rather take a boat and try to row than sit in a yoga class.”

~Angelina Jolie, actress~

Allure magazine, Nov. 2004

KEEP MOVING.

“We can’t just stop. We’re not rocks–progress, migration, motion is... modernity. It’s ANIMATE, it’s what living things do. We desire. Even if all we desire is stillness, it’s still desire for...”

~Tony Kushner, playwright~

character of Prior. Angels in America: Perestroika, 1994, p. 132. Broadway play starring Stephen Spinella; 2003 movie starring Justin Kirk

Kushner is a Pulitzer Prize, Tony, and Emmy winner



“I just have this absurd determination to live, don’t you?”

~And the Band Played On, movie~

Donal Logue as Bobbi, 1993 movie about the AIDS crisis. Written by Arnold Shulman, based on the 1987 book by Randy Shilts



“There is no stasis. To stand still is to fall away from the truth; the inner light dims and flickers, starts to go out, as soon as one tries to hold fast.”

~Susan Sontag, writer~

1960 journal, reprinted in New York Times Magazine, 9-10-06, p. 55. To be published in 2008



“A river must keep moving so as not to become stagnant; it must have rocks in its bed for its song.”

~Lisa Kasamoto, writer~

1999, Passion in My Pocket, memoir in progress



“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

~Will Rogers, humorist~

New Beginnings quote book, 1993 by Running Press

LANGUAGE.

“He recalls what he meant, and she recalls what she heard. But what he intended was not what she understood–which was what she would have meant if she had said what he said in the way he said it.”

~Deborah Tannen, communication expert~

and author of, among others, That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships, 1986, p. 27



“A lot of movies try to set up a world with cool sets, costumes, camera work. In Brick, the world is born from the words.”

~Joseph Gordon-Levitt, actor~

www.imdb.com/name/nm0330687/



“The three oddest words:

When I pronounce the word Future, the first syllable already belongs to the past.
When I pronounce the word Silence, I destroy it.
When I pronounce the word Nothing, I make something no non-being can hold.”



“art is a LANGUAGE”

~Susan Sontag, writer~

1966 journal entry, reprinted in New York Times Magazine, 9-10-06, p. 57. To be published in 2008



“Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?”

~1997 e-mail forward~



“The limits of my language mark the limits of my world.”

~Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher~

New York Public Library calendar book, 2006



“American Sign Language: seeing you loud and clear.”

~Lisa Kasamoto, interpreter~

and t-shirt designer. 2007, www.cafepress.com/backwardpress



“Spoken language travels at the speed of sound; sign language travels at the speed of light.”

~Robert Arnold, Deaf community member~

New York City



“‘Language of One’ – Yet another play about a Deaf, gay, Jewish architect falling in love.”

~New York Deaf Theater~



“I am a bear of little brain and long words bother me.”

~Winnie the Pooh~

character by A.A. Milne



http://www.sawlady.com/ – “music on the cutting edge”

~ad in subway car~

New York City, 2006



“‘Feminism, my foot!’ exclaimed my mother as she cremated the meatloaf. ‘This feminism thing is just a cover for being a lesbian.’ Perhaps this is not an exact quote; you see, my parents’ first language was silence and I’ve had to translate here.”

~Holly Hughes, writer~

in the anthology, A Woman Like That, ed. by Joan Larkin, 1999, p. 135



“Aoccdrnig to rsceearh at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tighng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.”

~2003 e-mail forward~



“Small words. Big thoughts.”

~Winnie the Pooh~

character by A.A. Milne